Deception

If you had a chance to read my first blog, you know how the Lord changed my life. Just like I said before, it hasn't been easy. When you are as messed up as I was it takes time. I am 52 years old. I had 45 years to become who I used to be. I say that because I was 7 years old when my life took a nose dive. Up until that point I was a happy, carefree little girl. Even though I had endured lots of time in the hospital, multiple surgeries, and lived in a body cast for several years. I had been born breech with a dislocated hip. It wasn't diagnosed until I was 2 1/2 years old. At that tender young age I became acutely aware that I was different than the other children. The hip surgeries had left a huge scar from the top of my thigh nearly half way to my knee. One leg was slightly shorter and smaller than the other. I never felt like I could discuss how I felt with anyone. I kept my feelings locked inside myself and put on a smile. I made some friends over the years, but I always felt like nobody really knew me or understood me. I would never allow myself to get too close. I always had the desire to play sports but I was embarrassed that I was slower than the other kids, although nobody ever complained. Sometimes I was even chosen by the team leader. I could never understand why. I became more and more quiet and distant as the years went by. Eventually I became a loner. High school was extremely hard for me. As I look back now I can see that lots of people tried to befriend me and the boys thought I was pretty. I hated me. I couldn't understand why they couldn't see how disgusting I was. My senior year in high school I started drinking a lot of alcohol and smoking pot to ease the pain. I met a boy who I dated for 9 months and married at the age of 17. I was 2 months pregnant. Finally I thought I was happy. I had a husband who loved me and thought I was beautiful. When our daughter was born I was the happiest I had ever been in my life. Not only did I have a husband but the most beautiful little girl in the world. Then He started drinking heavily and running with other women. Once agian I was totally devastated. All the old feelings of self hatred and worthlessness came flooding back. I decided to forgive him and try to make things work. We had 2 amazing sons within the next 4 1/2 years. Things were never the same between my husband and myself. He began drinking more and became addicted to cocaine. He was extremey abusive to me and our oldest son. 10 years ago this December He took his own life. I shared all that just so I could tell you this; my worst day now is better than my best day then. What made all the difference in my life? My Heavenly Father! He and He alone has transformed my entire life. I don't derive my worth or value from anything other than who I am in Him. It has taken some time but He has set me free. The enemy had me so deceived for so long. Now I believe only what the Lord says about me. I am free from insecurity. The enemy can make us see things in such a distorted way. Now I see myself and know that I was never hideous or ugly but I believed I was. As a man thinks in his heart, so is he. When I was talking with my Sister the other day she said something interesting. She said, "are you believing a lie?" I wonder how many people are believing something that isn't even the truth. If we believe it, it becomes our truth. We have been given power and authority over the enemy! The only power he has over us is what we give him. He has the gun but he doesn't have any bullets. I am God's masterpiece and so are you!

Amazing!

This is my very first blog, my second attempt at my first post. I had no idea how to even start, but I had been feeling the Lord leading me to do it. Well...after 3 hours I was happy at least I had set one up. Just as I was typing the last word my computer went down and Boom! it was gone. I am hoping for much better results this time! The Lord is so amazing! He truly never gives up on us! No matter who you are, no matter what you have done, no matter where you have been, God will meet you right where you are! Almost 2 years ago now, I was addicted to prescription pills, alcohol, and pot. I was taking pain pills, anti-anxiety pills, and anti-depressants. I was seeing 4 different Doctors and getting 3 prescriptions for the same pills. I was taking the maximum amount allowed by law on all three. X 4! For many years I had lived with tremendous fear. I'm not talking about being a little afraid of this or that. Full blown FEAR! An almost paralizing fear that never left me day or night. I heard a voice inside me all of the time telling me I was worthless, ugly, stupid, crazy...All day long my main goal was to not let anyone else find out. If they did they would put me away somewhere. I was completely convinced that I was stark raving mad and there was nothing I could ever do about it. Somehow I managed to live a somewhat normal life as far as others could see. But oh my goodness, I was so miserable. One day I knew I had come to the end of my rope, so to speak. I just knew I couldn't go on the way I had for so long. I got down on my knees and cried out to God to help me. Instantly the voice was completely gone from me. I wish I could say everything else from that point has been that easy. I got free from all the drugs and alcohol, going through terrible withdrawls for up to 45 days with one. As I look back now I see how the Lord strenghtened me through it all. I am still a work in progress! I just want everyone to know there is no person the Lord can't change! He is so amazing!!!